Emotions

I had a few experiences over my life where I had an overwhelming emotion and not in the normal context of life. Unexpectedly, I would get a huge flash of an emotion -- hate, fear, comfort. Was it a natural happening chemical reaction in my brain for some reason or was it a sliver in the fabric of communication from the dead?

There is no logic of why, in Virginia City, Nevada in the Mark Twain museum that I should feel that someone just threw a blanket of hate over me. I felt I was being suffocated with hate. For no apparent reason, other than me touching an Indian blanket that was a wedding gift. All I knew is that whatever had happened to that Indian princess who married a rich white businessman in San Francisco, she wasn't happy. I can't explain why I knew that. I just did. The feeling was so powerful that I actually stepped back a couple of feet and sat down on a nearby bench. It was incredibly disorienting.

I can't explain why I felt fearful when my husband and I walked down into the engine room on the Queen Mary in Long Beach, California. I felt fine as we did the walking tour, but as we took the steps down into the engine room, I felt my arms cross over in front of my body in a defensive motion. The room was bright as can be. There were no scary displays. It was just the engine room of what it would look like if the ship were operational.

But there I was, arms crossed, nails biting painfully in the palms of my hand. I felt an overwhelming emotion of fear. I was extremely uncomfortable down there and couldn't pinpoint one reason why. My husband was fine. He was all over the place exploring it. I just knew I wanted to get out of there as fast as I could. I made myself stay down there so not to ruin my husband's fun of exploring, but it was physically painful to stay there. Why? I don't know.

I don't know why some things have happened to me over the years. As I grew up, I didn't know it was something to worry about. There are many episodes now, when looking back, that should have signaled to me I felt things that many people didn't.



One time, during a field trip in elementary school we went to a place called Bower's Mansion in Carson City, Nevada. Even then I loved history. As we entered the mansion, led by our teacher, we were given the typical teacher lecture about the history of the mansion and the people who had it built. A man named Sandy Bowers, who was a silver baron, and his wife Eilley Orum, lived a lavish lifestyle -- for awhile. They wound up going broke. I still remember as we entered into the mansion I stood at the bottom of the stairs and looked upwards. A feeling of discomfort came over me.

It was a bright, sunny day, but I felt chilled. I wasn't sure why, but I didn't want to go upstairs. I moved to the back of the line and did what I could not to go upstairs. I finally had to follow everyone else. It's funny, I went into my "mode" crossing my arms in front of my body and my finger nails digging into my palms. I guess I still do that. Anyway, I never saw anything, but I felt a large sadness. It was a really strong feeling. I knew that whoever lived there was very sad. I know that sounds goofy. Even I felt that was goofy. But that's what I felt. I don't know if I am explaining this correctly, so forgive me if I ramble, but this was bigger than normal feelings. Even at the age I was -- I think I was 8 or 9 years old, I knew it was something different.

We went through the rest of the house, but I didn't feel anything as strong as I did on the second floor. We got to go outside and see the grounds and some of my classmates were laughing and talking about a family cemetery in the back of the house and we were dared who was brave enough to go and check it out. Well, the thing about me is I would do something if I thought others were too scared to do it. (although nothing too stupid or dangerous. LOL) As I went up to the cemetery, with the others following me, I felt a strong emotion again. I was uneasy standing there, but not completely afraid. There were trees around and it was sorta spooky for a bright, spring day. But I just knew something else was around there. Something was watching us. Was it just kids being kids and playing mental games standing at a cemetery? I don't know. Maybe.

But I think I connected with some strong emotions those people must have felt. I was glad when we finally left. I think I have always kept myself closed over the years to being too receptive because I am truly afraid of what might happen if I open myself up. I don't think I really want to work on this thing of mine, if I really do have anything at all. I don't know when it's going to happen and I have absolutely no control over it all. It's strong, but mild if that makes any sense. It sneaks up on me and smacks with its rawness of powerful emotion. The strength of emotions is sort of like someone throwing ice water on you out of the blue.

It does make life interesting at times.